rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
