she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
