Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
