oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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