Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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