why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
