You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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