is your mom at the bar?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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