I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
