69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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