So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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