I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
