it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
