how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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