Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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