dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This is the high leading the old right now
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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