Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
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she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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