Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
