i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Randomize
