i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
