I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
