dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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