How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
