why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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