I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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