I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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