Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I am midnight drunk by noon
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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