I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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