So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
