Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
