Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
