he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
