he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You have to summon your inner elephant
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
