So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
