i think my tv is drunk
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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