just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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