Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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