i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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