God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
