her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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