I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Congratulations! We have a period
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
