A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
