I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think I died a long time ago.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
