Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
