I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
