She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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