Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
