...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
True strength comes from lack of pants
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible