Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
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Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home