I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
