Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now