Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
