im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
