We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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