just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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