i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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