i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
