Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
