Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
