I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
