Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
